Do you want a sexy hunky hunk of a man to fall all over you and worship the very ground you walk on? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Because you know what they say… the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And, let’s be honest, why else would Ben have put up with me for this long? I hardly doubt it’s my womanly charm and good looks.
But look how domestic I am!
So as an early Christmas (or Hanukkah for my Jewish friends) gift I’d like to bestow upon you a quick and easy meal that is sure to please even the most discerning of beaus.
Disclaimer: This is a joke. Don’t actually try this.
Ok, so first you’ll need your ingredients:
4 lamb leg steaks
4 tsp ground coriander
1 tbsp ground cumin
1 small butternut squash
1 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, chopped
2½ cups chicken stock
2 tbsp chopped fresh ginger
scant ½ cup plumped dried apricots
2 tbsp honey
finely grated rind and juice of 1 lemon
generous 1 cup couscous
salt and pepper
3 tbsp chopped fresh mint, to garnish
Oh no! Don’t have all these things?!
That’s ok! You’re a strong, modern woman! Take your hot little hinny over to your neighborhood grocery store where you can find things like couscous. Yeeeeeeeey couscous! Feel free to gush to all the other patrons about how you’re making your hunky mancakes a romantic dinner from scratch. Also – I recommend you wear your apron to keep yourself in the domestic diva spirit.
Golly gosh uh oh spaghetti oh’s! Your grocery store doesn’t sell lamb? That’s ok – don’t fret! Chicken is the PERFECT substitute for lamb steaks. Your sexy man is gonna be so proud of your ingenuity!
Once you get home. Put on some womanly-type music. I prefer a little bit of Taylor Swift to really set the mood. Oh, and don’t forget a glass a red wine…that and your apron of course (obviously). You’ll feel so classy as you prance around the kitchen singing and chopping veggies. Just remember – skip around the kitchen with only smaller knives as the big ones can be dangerous. After you sprinkle the coriander and cumin on the chicken, peel and seed the squash and cut it into bite-sized chunks, and prep your veggies. Go ahead and mix all your ingredients together in a casserole dish…
OH SNAP!!!! You don’t own a casserole dish? Remember – you’re a domestic goddess. Just think to yourself – WWCOD (what would Chef O’Brien do?). I’ll tell you what she’d do; she’d use that sexy mind of hers to improvise just like she did with the chicken. Man – it’s no wonder Ben loves her so much!
Of course everyone owns Pyrex dishes. Grab the largest one you can find and dump all your ingredients in it.
Make sure you sing while you do this…
“WHEN YOU THINK TIM McGRAW, I HOPE YOU THINK MY FAVORITE SONG. THE ONE WE DANCED TO ALL NIGHT LONG…”
Now take a sip of red wine. Aren’t we having fun?! Isn’t cooking exciting?! And might I add you look super foxy in that apron of yours.
So the recipe calls for us to cover our dish and cook it over low heat, but that will take too long. After all, I need time to clean the bathroom, vacuum, do the laundry, paint my nails, and do all those other domestic-type things that I love doing so much I can hardly stand it. Plus, we’re cooking in Pyrex…not a stupid casserole dish. So I recommend you crank the stove top up to high heat so you can really impress your hot, tight assed, rugged manly man with how quickly you made such a fine, home cooked meal. You’ll be walking down the aisle in no time you sexy mink.
20 minutes should suffice for this I guess. Go ahead and set the timer so that you can carry on with your wine drinking and singing …. “WHEN YOU THINK HAPPINESS – I HOPE YOU THINK THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS. THINK MY HEAD ON YOUR CHEST. AND MY OLD FADED BLUE JEANS.”
Now get yourself good and drunk. Men love a drunk girl. When 20 minutes pass, it’s time to take the Pyrex off the burner. Be careful because it’s hot.
…I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go take mine off the burner as well…
HOLY CHERRY PIE AL AMODE JIMMY DARMODY WACKED MOTHER OF BEEF STEW THAT SCARED THE POOP OUTTA ME!
Ummm…..well. This is awkward. I just checked with Google, and apparently you’re not supposed to cook Pyrex on the stove top.
(this is a re-enactment, but you get the idea)
F$%#! F%^%! F#$@! F#$%! F^%&! Better clean this up before Sir Sexy McSexerson comes home. I doubt he’ll appreciate his kitchen being covered in shards of glass and his stove top having chicken, butternut squash and honey burned to bits and stuck in a tar-like fashion on every inch of burner you were using. Quick – hide the evidence in the trashcan!
Ok, once you’ve cleaned up, I suggest you have another glass of wine to calm your nerves. What would a domestic diva do in this situation? Yes – exactly! Get online and order a pizza from Dominoes. Put on the Domino’s Tracker. Choose the romantic theme (it will really set the mood).
Make sure he sees it when he gets home. Also be sure to let him know how much wine you’ve had and how you’re feeling a little tipsy. Say it in the sexist voice you can muster. Then give him your very best duck face:
Because after all. If you can’t cook for shit, maybe you can win him over through seduction.