Lately a lot of my drunkard friends have been sending me invitations for Zombie 5Ks. Mostly, I think, this is because we can get really hammered and barely have to run because…hey – zombies are slow as shit. So this brings me to my point of the day:
Why the hell is everyone so damn concerned about zombie attacks lately? I for one think you’re wasting precious time and resources when you should be training for the biggest threat to face human kind today:
The multi-front, coordinated, highly-strategic invasion that we all know Velociraptors are more than capable of pulling off.
Oh and the fact that they’re so damn fast we’d all be dead before we could even say, “Potato!”*
*That’s my safety word
Now I’m no scientist, but I did get a B- in high school Earth Science so I’m pretty sure I’m overly qualified to speak on the topic of practical applications of Deoxyribonucleic Acid (no big deal; I didn’t even have to Google that). I also saw all 3 Jurassic Park movies, and read both books in sixth grade.
So basically I’m kinda an expert on using dinosaur DNA extracted from prehistoric mosquitoes to facilitate the re-creation of the once terrible lizards. And I’ll tell you right now…that shit is totally do-able.
And there are some crazy-ass mofos out there who have too much time, money and land on their hands. What’s to stop them from breeding their own pack of Velociraptors? I mean honestly, if I had a billion dollars I would definitely spend it on the exact same thing – so I’m not really judging.
But the thing that will probably come as a surprise to many of you is that I don’t always think things through. So of course in my haste I wouldn’t consider that G.D. Velociraptors are maniacal geniuses who just so happen to be highly skilled in the arts of differential calculus, gourmet brownie baking, chinese checkers…oh and hand-to-razor sharp lethal claw combat!
So while you all are getting shwasted at your Zombie 5Ks, having good times at our amazingly awesome summer bbqs, and otherwise wasting precious training time…I’ve been wielding my pogo stilts and machete while maintaining a strict diet of black market Triceratops in an attempt to prepare myself for the unstoppable Raptor Apocalypse. Cause you know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em…join ‘em: