One of my all time favorite blogs is 1000 Tiny Things I Hate. Although I can never be as awesome as the guy who writes that blog, there are a few tiny things I also hate…
1. How every time I see an Arab at an airport there’s a split second where I think he’s a terrorist. Then the ensuing internal monologue I have to convince myself otherwise, and how it always includes chiding myself for stereotyping the poor guy. Then how a few minutes later I find myself wondering… “but what if he is?” And then how later he helps me with my baggage and I realize I’m a huge jerk.
2. How I’m a climber, but I’m slightly afraid of heights. It’s like a cowboy who rides an ostrich! (10 points if you can name that pop-culture reference).
3. Personalized license plates. Anytime, anywhere, any car.
4. People who pronounce “washing machine” as “warshing machine” …seriously, what are you playing at?
5. 2 or more 10-year-old girls unsupervised in a public restroom. It’s not a pretty sight.
6. Being drunk and having to walk by a horrible 90s cover band to get to the bathroom and how I’m not sure if I should do a quick dance move to show them I appreciate the attempt, or if I should awkwardly stare at my feet. And how I inevitably choose the second option.
7. How fellow Mini Cooper owners feel the need to wave at me. Just because we both pay $100 for an oil change doesn’t mean we’re on waving terms.
8. Chester Cheetah and how he used to be super laid-back and now he’s all self-righteous and looks like a child molester.
9. People who ask me if I want to take a survey. No, I don’t.
10. Realizing I’m wrong halfway through an argument but refusing to admit it to the point of absurdity.
11. Smug hippies.
12. How the History Channel plays TV shows that have nothing to do with history, and how they justify it with the tagline, “History: made every day.” I can tell you right now that 300 years from now ice road trucking will not be a legitimate historical reference.
13. Mosquitoes. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “F**k you mosquitoes.”
14. Having sushi delivered and then not properly rationing the soy sauce packets.
15. How every time I meet a gay person I feel the need to share that my sister’s gay so they know I’m down with it; but also how I drop it as a nonchalant aside so they don’t think I’m showing off: “So then my sister’s girlfriend said the funniest thing…”, “Your sister’s gay?”, “Oh yeah…and she’s also the coolest sister ever, but no big deal…”
16. George Lopez.
17. How greeting cards make me bawl my eyes out, and how I secretly enjoy it.
18. How much I genuinely love to watch Toddlers and Tiaras because it makes me feel like I’ll be the best parent ever.
19. How some people don’t have lisps.
20. People who have stick figures that represent their family and pets on the back of their vans. Let me be honest with you: I don’t care (and neither does Lindsey).