DISCLAIMER: Whatever I say in this post I strongly suggest you do that polar opposite (I love a good pun)!
Let’s face it; bears are pretty much awesome:
Man, I wish I had a bear for a best friend. Doesn’t it look like fun? Woo-hoo! Prickly pears, prickly pears! Unfortunately, it’s just so damn hard to meet a good bear these days. But don’t worry; I have a fool-proof plan we can try next time we’re in the backcountry:
First we choose a campsite with optimal bear-ness. Most notably we look for fresh bear claw marks in the trees and bear droppings on the ground. When we find them, we’ll know it’s a match made in bear-human heaven. We pitch our tent within a yard of where we plan to cook dinner, and then hang air fresheners from our gear rack…cause holy hiking boots; it’s starting to stink in there. Then we’ll walk over to the river that’s adjacent to our tent and catch a few wild salmon. But before we cook them we’ll smother ourselves in their essential oils for health and moisturizing reasons, being careful to ensure they seep through our pajamas, which of course we changed into in preparation for dinner. After we’ve eaten and properly tossed our leftovers by our backpacks, we kill the fire and silently reflect on the majestic wilderness.
If a cub happens to wander by; we’re in luck! Momma is sure to be right behind. So now we get two bears for the price of one! Oh, and isn’t the cub cute? We should definitely form a circle around him as we oggle over his adorableness. When mom arrives, it’s time to play tag! And once she catches me it’ll be just like I’ve always imagined: my screams of delight will echo through the deserted forest as she tosses me about like a rag doll. Then we’ll go battle Shere Khan in an epic match of awesomeness. The village will be saved from his tyranny and we’ll go home the happiest people on earth.
This post is dedicated to two of my best friends and bear safety enthusiasts Anna Scholl and Lindsey Stevens. May your packs always be jingly and your tents always be smell-less.