Oh congratulations; good job; woohoo! You just sent my project. And so gracefully did you and your +3 ape index haphazardly flail yourself up to the crimp I have to dyno to reach.
Unfortunately the truth is…I’m, in fact, the asshole. Because climbing is supposed to be about having fun and pushing your limits and all that junk. We’ve all heard the overused quote “the best climber is the one having the most fun,” and it’s easy to pretend that in our heart of hearts we believe that statement. But let’s be honest, we’re all competitive as hell and think it’s a bunch of malarkey. Otherwise we wouldn’t be boulderers. We definitely wouldn’t spend day after day working on the same move over and over and over and over again only to continually be shut down.
So why shouldn’t I be slightly perturbed when some 6 foot tall a-hole comes along and gets my move (yeah, it’s mine) solely because of the fact that he’s almost a foot taller than I am, and then turns around and apologizes for “showing me up.” Because; Erin, to quote the great and ever-wise Miley Cyrus, “It’s all about the climb.” Yet the sad reality is that despite the fact that I want to be the bigger person, be welcoming to everyone in the bouldering area, and not be a vindictive biatch, I still can’t help but share with you the people who piss me off at the gym. So here it goes:
The Problem Copycat (PCC): Like a scared hungry lost sheep the problem copycat will not leave me the f*@k alone. It’s like he is uncontrollably magnetized to whichever problem I decide to work on. PCC normally has a completely different body type than I do (tall, lanky and pre-pubescent), and continually spits horrible, unhelpful tall person beta (that doesn’t work for him either) until I eventually want to rip his throat out. Instead of taking such a drastic course of action, I move on to another problem. Of course I am like a flame and PCC the moth, because within a half second he’s right alongside me, bad beta and all. Now repeat this process for the next 2 hours.
The Team Kids Mob: Now I don’t dislike them in any way, but I think the team kids on bouldering days would make an interesting anthropological study on the mob mentality. So to the team kids I say, “put down your pitch forks and wait your freakin’ turn to get on the wall.”
V5 Macho Noob: Easily identified by his sporting of athletic-related shirt and lacrosse or soccer shorts. Psssh, intro problems can’t even touch his superior athletic prowess. Fact: he scored 3 goals last night during his indoor lacrosse game. How many did you score? Unfortunately the first V5 he got on was just stupid and not his style, the V6 he tried right afterward was girly, and the V9 would have been easy if he wasn’t tired from all the goal-scoring last night. Ahhh screw it, let’s just dyno in the cave (cue sprained ankle or dislocated shoulder).
The Outdoor Snob: You know the type. They love to loudly tell you they climb inside only to make themselves stronger for the epic outdoor trip they take every single weekend and it’s so much better than climbing inside and by the way did I mention that problems outside are rated way harder and the feet aren’t good plus real rock is just way better and they climbed the most awesomest epic climb in the universe last weekend and by the way climbing outside is awesome and it’s so much better have you tried it ever, oh my gosh the gym pales in comparison to the amazingness of climbing outside only real climbers go outside you are just lame and spend your time pulling plastic. Outside outside outside outside outside outside. WE #&%*##$#*%# GET IT! You climb outside and it gets your rocks off. Congratu-freaking-lations.
Ms. Judgy McJudgerson: Yeah, we all know this type. Easily identified by chalk all over her face and clothing, and a far too serious attitude towards her latest bouldering problem. Most likely spends an unhealthy amount of time at the gym and blames her obsession on “avoiding traffic.” Also carries a bit of a Napoleonic Complex due to her short stature, and passive aggressively composes blog posts about people who tick her off in the gym. Oh…wait a second….I dedicate this post to my bouldering posse.