Back in yesteryear when people needed to appease a debt, they just sacrificed a lamb, or – if it was a particularly large debt – a person. But Sallie Mae doesn’t accept human sacrifice as a legitimate form of currency, which is unfortunate because that hoe has pretty much got me by the balls for the next thirty years of my life, and I don’t even have balls, nor could I afford them if I wanted to! So for all my friends out there in similar paddle boats (motor boats are too expensive), I’ve come up with a few genius ways to speed up your debt repayment:
1. Stop Eating
Seriously. Just stop eating altogether. Besides, I didn’t want to be the first to tell you, but you’ve been looking a little full around the middle lately. And you know what? Stress increases belly fat, and thinking about Sallie Mae squeezing your genitals is definitely a bit stress-inducing.
So just don’t eat – it will solve all your problems. Besides, if you starve to death your debt is completely forgiven. Woohoo!
2. Write a book
Write a book. The title? How to Pay Off Student Loans…By Writing a Book. All proceeds go to Sallie Mae.
3. Go door to door
Last year when I still lived in the city some kid came to my doorstep and said, “Ma’am, would you donate some money to fund my education?” And I said, “Kid…you’re asking the wrong person. In fact, you should probably donate some money for my education.” He stared at me wide-eyed, but then it hit me – this going door to door thing ‘aint such a bad idea. I mean, I can be cute and charming if I set my mind to it…
Shit if all else fails we can just stand at red lights and force people to accept a windshield wipe down like the kids do in the ghetto. Then they’ll have to give us money; right? (By the way, you can tell I’m smart because I used a semi-colon)
4. Get hit by a car
This brings me to my next point – Since you’re standing at traffic lights already, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to throw yourself in front of a car. Just make sure it’s a BMW or a Mercedes because you need it to be someone who can really pay out. I think a good time of day to do this is during rush hour – because that’s when all the CEOs are out and about. Plus they will all be on their Blackberries and not paying attention. Perfect time to attack. The advantage of this is twofold. 1) You can sue, which means you’ll get money, which means you can pay off your loans. 2) You can fake a major disability, which means your loans will be forgiven.
Wow…what a great idea.
5. Find a suga’ daddy
It worked for Anna Nicole Smith*, and it could work for you too!
Disclaimer: We all saw how that turned out, so maybe throwing yourself in front of a moving vehicle is a better idea.
6. Run Away to Mexico
Now don’t pretend you haven’t thought about doing this. There are some beautiful places in Mexico. Just make sure you’re prepared to be gunned down or kidnapped into sex slavery. All in the name of being debt-free, right? Take that Sallie Mae! I don’t have to live under your tyranny. Instead I’ll live under the tyranny of drug-lords and corrupt governments!
7. Run Away to Canada
If you run away to Canada you can freeze your ass off and be completely bored out of your mind. But hey, at least you won’t be poor. Actually, Canada is beautiful so this might not be such a bad idea. I could call myself a refugee and claim I’m seeking sanctuary from Fascist America. I think Canada would eat that up…
So, who’s up for a road trip?!
8. Work hard, make money and pay them off the ol’ fashioned way
HAHAHAHAHA! That’s hilarious.
Ok, well the list is still a work in progress, and I’ve yet to pull any of the above ideas off successfully. So if you have any creative ideas yourself – please let me know! You know where to find me – downtown, in rush hour, at a red light, windshield squeegee in hand, preparing to hurl myself in front of an M3.