Spiders scare the crap outta me, and don’t lie, they scare the crap outta you too. And you know why? Because spiders are sinister, dark and dastardly. Just thinking about them gives me the heeby-jeebies and kinda makes me want to curl in a ball, crying and rocking as I sing to myself, “Hush little baby, don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.”
Yet I know I can’t just sit here, hoping the terror will past. After all, that’s what the spiders want me to do. So, in the eternal words of one Scar the lion, I’ve decided I must “Be prepared.” And so should you, and for that reason I’m gonna hit you with some priceless Spider-attack awareness knowledge. Because that’s just the type of person I am. I suggest you bookmark this page for future reference.
1. Spiders Weave Webs of Lies
Spiders are untrustworthy. Take Charlotte, for instance. Of course, we all know the alleged story of the radiant pig and how Charlotte ‘saved’ Wilbur from the slaughter. But what you don’t know is that Charlotte’s Web, which should be called Charlotte’s Web of Lies, didn’t end quite how E.B. White described it. Actually, what really happened is Charlotte waited for Wilbur to be all fat and juicy, and then wrapped him up tightly in her silky net of death:
“Oh yeah Wilbur,” Charlotte said agreeably, “The tighter I spin the web around your neck, the less wrinkles you’ll have in the morning.”
Wilbur, blue in the face, smiled weakly. “Well you know what they say,” he choked, “beauty hurts.”
An hour later Wilbur was dead and Charlotte didn’t need to wrap another fly for the rest of her days.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news about the whole Wilbur dying thing, but knowledge is power. E.B. White is actually a spider disguised as a cute old man who writes timeless children’s classics. Hopefully his spider-agenda is clear to you now, and hopefully you’ve realized that you can never trust a spider.
2. Spiders Are Public Relations Geniuses
Part of the reason you’ve been so blissfully unaware of the Charlotte rouse is because Spiders are masterful at public relations. Their most ingenious campaign yet has been in the form of your favorite web-themed superhero: Spiderman.
Oh yeah, getting bit by spiders is so cool. Just ask Spiderman – he can climb freaking buildings with his web blasters, soar across the city on magical white sticky wings, and even kick the crap out of the bad guys. Plus he gets the girl. All of this awesomeness was bestowed upon him by a spider.
Wait, what? Think about it. There’s no way this actually happened. I for one haven’t seen Spiderman stop any crimes except for in cartoons and movies. Yeah, I call bullshit on this one. Nice try spiders.
3. Hitler Was a Spider
Look at his moustache. Very spider-like, am I right? ‘Nuff said.
4. The Daddy Long Legs Agenda
The rumor that the daddy long legs is the most poisonous spider in the world, yet has a mouth that is too small to actually bite a human is a bunch of malarkey. The truth is the daddy long legs rumor is all a part of a masterful spider agenda. Let me ask you something, when you see a daddy long legs, is your gut instinct to kill it? No? Well then you’re falling right into their ploy.
You see, the daddy long legs is, in fact, the most poisonous spider in the world. However, his mouth is undoubtedly large enough to bite a freaking human. But, you see, the spiders are just biding their time. The evil arachnids spread this little rumor so we humans won’t squash their most powerful weapon. Very soon the daddy long legs population will be large enough to launch a full scale attack on the human species, and our resistance will be futile. Unless we do something about it (I suggest you sit down with a daddy long legs and give him a stern talking to) the Apocalypse is surely neigh. And no, it won’t be led by four horsemen, but eight-hundred billion daddy long legs.
5. Spiders Were Behind the Cold War
I can’t fully prove this yet, but I have serious suspicions that Spiders were the masterminds behind the Cold War. First of all, the word Soviet Union is, in fact, ancient Ruse (Russian) for Of Spiders. And the Bay of Pigs Invasion? Try the Bay of Spiders Invasion. Thanks to a slip-up in their Spiderman ploy, we all know spiders are completely immune to the effects of radioactivity. I suspect they were hoping we’d blow each other up. Then they could stop protecting the daddy long legs, because to be quite honest, even though they’re the most poisonous spider, they’re also extremely irritating to be around. Well I have news for you spiders, you failed.
6. Spider webs = Surveillance
Spider webs are full of sophisticated surveillance equipment leftover from the spider stint in international espionage. So if you wake up one morning with a web strewn across your front door, take heed! The spiders are keeping tabs on you. Avoid statements like “My social security number is 555-55-5555” because you’ll get your identity stolen. How else do you think they fund their little projects?
Well kids, that’s about all the time I have for today, but I surely hope you’ve learned enough to protect yourself against the single greatest threat to the survival of the human species: the spider. Be diligent, be brave, and most importantly be on the alert. Because spiders are everywhere, and they are out to get us all.