PRELUDE TO A KIT:

 For the most part I am a laid back person, but like most of us, there are times when I let my anger get the better of me. Just last week, for example, I was distraught because gas prices had gone up yet again. So, in a moment of weakness, I took a baseball bat to WaWa’s glass storefront. Sure it didn’t make filling my car up any less expensive, but I definitely felt better about $3.75 a gallon.

 It’s these tiny overreactions that I witness daily (even though mine aren’t a huge deal or anything, and might I add aren’t even my fault because I wasn’t the one who made gas all expensive and crap) that made me think that Americans could benefit from a little anger management assistance. And with the wild popularity of ADHD Survival Kit, I figured hell – let’s do the damn thing!

 

Anger Control Problem Survival Kit: 

 

Item # 1: The Pure Moods Album

So we’ve all had one of those mornings. You wake up 15 minutes late and it’s raining. “This calls for a Frappuccino!” you think. Ten minutes later you realize the delicious caffeine was a Monumental Mistake.  You forgot that when it rains nobody can drive above forty on the highway due to “rain drag.” So now, after chugging your delicious Frappuccino, you have fresh caffeine pulsing through your veins at one thousand miles per hour and you’re sitting in the most irritating of all traffic types: the unnecessary weather-induced type. This cocktail could turn even the Dalai Lama into a Hulk-like rage monster.

But fear not! Because Pure Moods is here to save your life (post continues below video):

Ahhh…I feel better already. Don’t you?

 

Item # 2: The WWCBD Bracelet

This brings us to our second item: The WWCBD Bracelet (patent pending). After all, sometimes our Pure Moods album has been misplaced into thin air or stolen from our car by some jerk crack head in Baltimore city (sorry, I’m projecting), and we are unable to find our unicorn-prancing, hummingbird-befriending happy place. On these rare occasions we can’t help but let our inner Hulk, or even our inner Batman rear its ugly head. So I’ve created the What Would Christian Bale Do? Bracelet. Or, for my urban friends, the What Would Chris Brown Do? Bracelet.

 So now, whenever you’re about to go off you can look at your wrist and think: What would CB do in this situation? Then you should do the exact opposite. For example, if someone interrupts your scene, don’t do this (post continues below video):

 

Item # 3: The Smoke Bomb

Speaking of Batman, when all else fails and you’ve just flipped your lid, everyone is staring, and maybe the cops are on their way, it’s probably best to drop a smoke bomb and grandly exit in a glorious puff of smoke. Sure, you just threw a cooler through the window of your dressing room at Good Morning America, but if you utilize the smoke bomb technique, everyone will focus on your amazing skills – not your melt down.

Batman_smoke_bomb

If Batman can do it...so can you!

For example, if Chris Brown had utilized this tactic last week, then headlines would have been very different:

Headline sans smoke bomb: Chris Brown Explodes on GMA!

Headline with smoke bomb: Chris Brown Explodes into a Cloud of Smoke on GMA!

 OR

Headline sans smoke bomb: Chris Brown is a Giant Douchebag

Headline with smoke bomb: Chris Brown is a Stealthy Ninja Warrior

 See how awesome the smoke bomb is? You should definitely try it.

 

Item #4: the World’s Smallest Violin

The World’s Smallest Violin is the final item in the Anger Control Problem Survival Kit. You can use this after you’ve beaten your girlfriend to a pulp and America just won’t let you forget about it. It’s so hard being a multi-millionaire that you just can’t stand it. Since nobody else feels bad for you, you’ll need this item to play to yourself while you continue to insist you’re a victim.

 

Did you enjoy these 4 items? These are just a sample of the many innovative solutions offered in my revolutionary Anger Control Problem Survival Kit. Want to know more? Call today for your risk-full $500 trial – satisfaction guaranteed or I’ll give you a call and apologize that you’re dissatisfied.

Call today! 1-800-CHILLOUT. Operators are standing by…

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About erinobrien26

Boop.

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