Last night at Earth Treks Columbia, Kate Ewald – with eloquence and finesse – announced the winners of the 2011 Climbing Olympics:
“… and the unmatched, undefeated, unparalleled, unstoppable champions of tonight’s epic members’ party showdown and the recipients of the Golden Testarossa are …”
In truth I’d been waiting for this moment my entire life. Alright, fine; I’d been waiting for this moment since five minutes prior when I first laid eyes on the glorious Golden Testarossa. Dressed in her finest robot attire, a chick behind me whispered, “Behold the Golden Testarossa, forged in the ancient fires of Mount Saint Helena. Blessed by the climbing gods themselves. Worn by Hercules during his forbidden climb of Mount Olympus.” Or was it the boot Sharma wore before his contract with evolv? Or had Scott lost one of his and donated the survivor? Or had it belonged to some random stranger known simply as John?
Clearly the Golden Testarossa of lore is shrouded in mystery, wrapped in intrigue, and marinated in mysticism. I also hear it goes well with bacon (but what doesn’t?).
Kate paused for dramatic emphasis and the crowd drew its breath in nervous anticipation. My fellow members of Team Gang-Green drummed their hands with gusto on a nearby wooden chair. I hoped beyond measure that maybe, just maybe our blood, sweat, and yes even a few tears had paid off and we would be leaving with the coveted award.
After all, it had been a long, hard road…
Team Gang-Green started off on rocky ground; failing in our attempt to duct tape me to the wall. But, as Ovid once said, Misfortunes often sharpen the genius, and once we managed to free me from my duct tape shackles (I lost a bit of skin) we picked ourselves up and headed straight for the crate stacking station. The rest, as they say, is history.
I know you’re on the edge of your seat, so here are a few highlights:
- Dougie Fresh stacked 12 freakin’ milk crates! At that moment he held the milk crate stacking record. It was the boost we needed after our blunder at the duct tape station. Shout out to Karen and that other guy (don’t know his name) for their awesome record 14 stacked milk crates, and the ensuing most-insane-arm-wrestling-match-ever!
- Benny came through in the clutch and did a record 143 pushups! I’m sure his arms are pretty sore today, but not as sore as Team Try Hard’s ego must be. Wow. In retrospect that was a really mean comment. Sorry guys – maybe next year? Also, nice costumes. Forgive me? Ok, good.
- We managed to complete the tower station 20 times in 10 minutes. Mike, Ben and Doug who immediately removed their shirts to eliminate unnecessary weight, held the tower with nearly motionless precision, Daniel and I climbed as fast as we could until we nearly puked, and Lindsey conjured our inner spider monkey by dancing around us, waving the Flag of Gang-Green (AKA Doug’s t-shirt). Our battle cry, Antibiotics! rang out across the plastic paradise.
But I think the best part of all was that everyone had a great time. It was a total blasty blast hanging out with friends, eating good food, and enjoying the keg that Frisco Tap House and Brewery was nice enough to donate. And of course the Columbia staff totally rocked – you guys went above and beyond as usual!
Even so, it all came down to that moment. The moment Kate pointed at us, Team Gang-Green, and announced we won the enigmatic Golden Testarossa. The crowd exploded in a thunderous applause and a glorious light fell upon the fruit of our toil. This is the best day of my life! I exclaimed.
I think that just about summed it up for all of us.