“Hey buddy. Nice to see you. Why don’t you have a seat?”
Chris Hansen: America’s overprotective father, a pedophile’s worst nightmare, wearer of very sharp-looking business suits. But behind his clean cut façade, Chris Hansen hides a dark secret that’s nearly as shocking as that one pedophile that brought a rope and duct tape to the To Catch a Predator house:
Chris Hansen fantasizes that he’s a member of the T-Birds, and has a Pink Lady fetish.
In an attempt to bring him to justice I posed as a Pink Lady aficionado and entered a Grease fan forum. I began chatting with Mr. Hansen, screen name “FU_Scorpions”.
I call this segment: To Catch a Greaser
FU_Scorpions: So, are your jugs bigger than your nets?
xxPinkLady4LFxx: LOL, IDK!
FU_Scorpions: Well do you want to see my greased lightening?
xxPinkLady4LFxx: ROFL, what’s that?
FU_Scorpions: She’s a real pussy wagon.
FU_Scorpions: Relax. A Lancin’ from Hansen is like a Hallmark card.
FU_Scorpions: You’re not a pig are ya?
FU_Scorpions: Ok. Wanna meet up in real life? American Band Stand is taping next week at Rydell High.
Or so he thought. American Band Stand was just a decoy. And xxPinkLady4LFxx? That was a decoy too. So when Hansen entered the auditorium he was in for a serious shock when, instead of finding his hot to trot Pink Lady he found me – and I sure wasn’t wearing a poodle skirt.
Me: Hey Hansen, nice to see you. Why don’t you have a seat?
Me: What did you think was going to happen here today? I see you brought your unbreakable comb and your hair gel – what were you planning on doing with that?
Me: You were planning on doing nothing? …This doesn’t look very good, does it?
Hansen: No, um…probably not.
Me: Do you think what you’re doing right now – pretending to be a greaser – is ok?
Hansen: I have a problem, ok?! This is the first time I’ve done this, I swear.
Me: That’s what they all say … I’m doing a story on online solicitation. You’re free to leave at any time, but do you have anything you’d like to say?
Realizing his gig was up; Hansen immediately covered his face, grabbed his black leather jacket and ran from the gymnasium. Luckily I had a team of police officers on standby, and let’s suffice it to say that Chris Hansen got owned. Kinda like this guy…
Chris Hansen is currently awaiting his day in court – charged with soliciting a sock hop from a Pink Lady. He says he wishes he had never even seen Grease, and advises other T-Bird wannabes to just say no.
This is Erin O’Brien reporting for Erin is Eclectic. Good night.