PRELUDE TO A KIT:
True story – I have horrible ADHD. If you think your ADHD is bad, mine is probably like fifty times worse (don’t you love one-uppers?). My ADHD is so bad that I practically have short-term memory loss (like when I put my keys down for a second, then immediately have no clue what I did with them, or when I put a box of cereal in the refrigerator apparently thinking it’s milk or something). It’s like I’m on autopilot. At such moments I’m thinking about other things – for example:
Pouring a glass of milk, I start wondering -“Giraffes drink milk too. Are giraffes’ tongues really purple? It would be weird if I had a purple tongue. Eww, Gene Simmons freaks me out. I love the Little Mermaid.” And suddenly the milk is in the cabinet, and, if my mind doesn’t stop wandering at that very moment, then that milk will be there for a while. Get it?
Yeah, it’s like that, and it’s seriously mind-boggling that my attention span is so bad. Because of this, after several years of unrelenting research that cost the Federal Government trillions of dollars, I’ve developed a revolutionary new treatment approach that will undoubtedly change the lives of those with ADHD – yep a treatment for a deficianado, by a deficianado.
I call it The ADHD Survival Kit. So forget Ritalin, forget Adderall, and certainly forget those pansy-ass self help books, but don’t forget to nominate me for a Nobel Prize ‘cause I’m about ta’ hit you with som e knowledge.
Item # 1: Duct Tape
No ADHD person should ever leave home without duct tape. Consider it your Excalibur because duct tape could someday make you King of England…
Ok, I may have stretched the truth a bit there, but still, it’s very important that you always have duct tape with you. Thus I urge you to duct tape the duct tape roll to your body, which brings me to my next point: Duct tape shall be used to secure important items to your body – keys, wallet, cell phone, etcetera. This way, when it’s time to – say – get in your car, it won’t take you the greater part of the afternoon to gather the necessary equipment.
Duct tape can also be used to fasten your arms to your sides and your legs to the floor, which will aid in your ability to not look like a five year old as you skip in and out of important board meetings at the office or enthusiastically rattle your chain mail while discussing battle tactics with the rest of the Knights of the Round Table.
Warning: You may duct tape important items to any area of the body except the pelvic region, which could lead to serious injury.
Item # 2: Pepto-Bismol
We’ve all seen the commercials, but what you probably did not know is that Pepto-Bismol, the most popular name in stomach ailment alleviation, is also effective in the treatment of ADHD. Pepto-Bismol, thanks to its ability to combat vomit of all forms, is a clutch addition to the ADHD Survival Kit because it prevents -you guessed it -Word vomit, a common problem associated with hyperactivity!
It’s true, not only pink, chalky and delicious, Pepto will also save you, my wayward ADHD sufferer, from the tragic consequences of telling your boss “what you really think of her” or announcing to a crowd of strangers on a tightly packed elevator that you “forgot to put on deodorant today.”
After all – some things are best kept to ourselves.
Item # 3: Phone a Friend Debit Card
For the ADHD shopper, every isle is the impulse buy isle. Yeah, I may not need an inflatable pool on my rooftop deck, and I may not have even wanted one ten minutes ago, but geez, it’s only a hundred dollars and it comes with a flippin’ filter! OMG I’m getting it!
This is where the Phone a Friend Debit Card comes in handy. With the Phone a Friend Debit Card, your only PIN number is your best friend’s cell phone number, because he/she must authorize all purchases $50.00 or more.
Warning: Please ensure your phone a friend is not ADHD too, because otherwise the conversation will go like this…
ADHD Phone a Friend: Hello?
ADHD Shopper: Anna! I just found a freakin’ blow up moon bounce that fits in the backyard and doubles as a ball pit – and get this – it’s only $250, plus it comes with a hand pump! Should I get it? I’m thinking about also buying a Slip n’ Slide so we can jump off the moon bounce, fly down the slide, and land in that inflatable pool I bought the other day! Isn’t that the best flippin’ idea ever?!
ADHD Phone a Friend: Heck yeah! Get that shit; I’m on my way over right now!
See? That’s a recipe for disaster, so please select a responsible, non-ADHD phone a friend (perhaps an engineer).
Item # 4: Eye Am Paying Attention Glasses
Being ADHD myself, I know that sometimes you just can’t help but stare off into space in a semi-catatonic state, and that’s where the Eye Am Paying Attention Glasses come in handy. With the help of the Eye Am Paying Attention Glasses, nobody will know that you have been staring at your desk for the past thirty minutes because these glasses are superimposed with a set of wide, attentive-looking eye balls. So go on with your staring – just don’t forget to snap out of it before lunchtime, because people are going to Panera and you don’t want to miss out!
Did you enjoy these 4 items? These are just a sample of the many innovative solutions offered in my revolutionary ADHD Survival Kit. Want to know more? Call today for your risk-full $500 trial – satisfaction guaranteed or I’ll give you a call and apologize that you’re dissatisfied.
Call today! 1-800-ADHDKID. Operators are standing by…