Check out this tough-as-nails little kid. Does she look like she plays with Barbie dolls to you? Heck no – this little badass hits homeruns and plays with GI Joes and Ninja Turtles. You know what else she does? Loves the crap outta dinosaurs.
Although I can’t honestly tell you what happened to my Michelangelo pizza flinging karate chop action figure – I know for certain that some things never change.
Because even to this day, I still wish I was a velociraptor. Seriously – how kick ass would it be to be a raptor? Super-kick ass. And to clarify, when I say raptor, I mean the Jurassic Park-type raptors – with huge, razor sharp machete claws and teeth that make Shark Week run away screaming like a sissy crybaby.
Imagine being a freakin’ raptor!
Birthdays and Christmas (or Hanukkah for my Jewish friends) would be so much easier – forget about opening the card first. “I’m a frickin’ raptor, I can’t read!”
And wrapping paper? I wouldn’t recommend it! Lest I go on a shredding spree and wind up with a bloodbath on my hands. “But officer, I’m a raptor – I couldn’t help but gut everyone in the room!”
If I were a raptor, I’d never pay my taxes. Because honestly, what are you going to do about it IRS? Send over an agent, I double dog dare you.
And soccer games? Should I even go there? Sure, my foot skills will be less than desirable, but I’m sure the goalie will step off when he sees me hurling towards the goal, 10 feet in the air with legs in pouncing position and deadly claws pointed directly at his face.
Of course the ball will pop – but I know I’d get a good shot off first. Otherwise – I’ll just eat everyone there.
Yeah (*gazing up to the sky whimsically*)……….. it sure would be great to be a raptor…
(Shout out to the Looney’s Lax 2014 team – the coolest Raptors I know)